Finding out we were expecting two babies was shocking—especially because I was halfway through the pregnancy and only measuring for one baby. But what was almost as shocking was how some people reacted to the news. Here are ten responses we really didn’t appreciate and why I encourage you to reconsider saying these to someone expecting multiples.
- You’re too small (to have twins). The same night we got the news someone said this to me. It caught me off guard and hurt my feelings and I had no idea how to respond. I guess I’m not? I’m having them anyway? I’ll just grow a lot first? Clearly Someone didn’t think I was too small to have twins, and He knows better than anyone. Not only was this comment rude, it was downright hurtful. If someone is having multiple babies, it’s because they were chosen to. When someone tells you they are expecting, they are just informing you, not asking for your opinion.
- I’m sorry. Sorry for what? Sorry I get to have two blessings at once? Sorry I get twice the joy and excitement? Sure it might be intimidating, but how do you know what that person can or can’t handle? Babies are miracles and you should NEVER apologize to someone for a miracle.
- Did you plan for multiples? Okay, this just cracks me up. Can you even do that? Snarky responses that come to mind include, “Yes, I kept my legs up for an extra long time afterwards” and, “Yeah we had sex twice back to back as fast as we could.” Saying this to someone isn’t offensive so much as it’s ridiculous. Think logically, people.
- Good luck! Thanks? Saying this to someone is like implying they’re not going to be able to handle having multiples. Yes, help is GREAT when you have even just one baby, but people do what they need to do. Be careful not to make them feel like they aren’t enough.
- I could never do that. This comment just rubbed me the wrong way. When you get pregnant, no one asks you how many babies you want to have at one time. I didn’t check a box somewhere saying I wanted to have twins. I didn’t just decide I could handle two babies at once. I wasn’t given a choice, although if I did I definitely would’ve chosen to have twins. The more I heard this response the harder it became to resist answering with, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
- Now you can be done! Maybe. Maybe not. Why don’t you let them decide? Saying this implies you think someone should be done reproducing children. And hey, maybe they should! But that isn’t up to you and it’s inconsiderate to make that suggestion, intentionally or not.
- Are they natural? It honestly breaks my heart that people asked us this. I understand why people are curious, but the truth is, it’s no one’s business. While my husband and I were blessed to conceive our twins naturally, many couples aren’t so fortunate. There are people in my life who have suffered devastating miscarriages or who have been trying to have a baby for years with no success. Whether or not someone conceives naturally is private and oftentimes sensitive information. Asking this can bring up painful memories and emotions they may not want to relive. If someone offers up this information then that’s one thing, but please let them do that on their own terms.
- How scary! The word “scary” has a negative connotation to it. Remember when I said you should never apologize for a miracle? You shouldn’t have a negative attitude about one, either—especially someone else’s miracle. If having multiples is scary, it’s only scary in a good, I’m-going-to-find-out-what-I’m-made-of kind of way.
- Yikes. I get it. I do! Having multiples is a big deal and if you are on the outside looking in, comments like this can easily slip out before you think them through. This is right up there with the “How scary!” comment. It’s negative and unnecessary. If this pops into your head as a response, stifle it. That person doesn’t need your negative vibe affecting their mindset.
- I’m glad I didn’t have twins (or, I hope I don’t). Maybe it would be scary for you, but let that person focus on their excitement instead of projecting your fears onto them. We aren’t talking about your situation; we’re talking about theirs. Don’t make it about you.
The common theme here is that so many people had negative attitudes when we shared our exciting news. As happy as we were, we knew it would be scary. I would be lying if I said we didn’t have moments where we were completely freaking out, but in those moments we gravitated toward the people who kept us in check with positive comments and mindsets.
When you talk to someone who is pregnant with multiples, think about this: would you rather push them toward a dark place where they might feel like they can’t do it? Or would you rather reassure them that they CAN handle this and encourage them?
If you don’t know what to say to someone who is pregnant with multiples, check out this post where I talk about some responses we were thankful for.
Hello! I am a work-at-home mom to twin girls and a canine. I’m learning what life looks like when you surrender to God. Passionate about parenthood, marriage, and all things coffee!