To My Divorced Friends: I’m Sorry I Didn’t Come Through


Life, Marriage / Monday, October 1st, 2018

I LOVE weddings, and I can’t even count how many I’ve attended. Growing up, I liked going to weddings for the pretty dresses, the dancing, and the cake. As a young adult, I liked seeing so many happy people in one place, eating free food, and having a good time.

Then I said my marriage vows on January 10, 2015 and everything changed.

I stopped thinking of weddings as an event, and instead knew they were the beginning of a sacred, pure covenant designed by God and meant to honor and glorify Him, not us.

As my understanding of marriage grows, my sadness about others’ divorces deepens. For a long time, I’ve wondered what causes people in my life to legally separate from their spouses even though they promised forever to one another.

The other day I was thinking about a friend from college who quietly divorced her husband. I thought back to their wedding day and how happy they both looked and I wondered what went wrong.

As my thoughts wandered, I felt God stirring up my heart. I started to see my friend’s divorce from a completely different perspective that I knew could only be from the Lord. It wrecked me.

So I have something very important to say to my friend and the others in my life whose weddings I attended who are no longer married:

I am so sorry I didn’t hold up my end of the deal.

I showed up for your wedding, but I did not show up for your marriage, and I’m sorry.

Part of your wedding ceremony was a community vow in which all witnesses were asked to protect and defend your marriage. You asked us to support you in the tough times and celebrate the good times with you.

As an attendee of your wedding and supporter of your love for one another, I had a responsibility to defend your marriage from the Enemy. I should’ve reached out to you when I saw suffering in your eyes and when I heard rumors of trouble, but I didn’t.

I wondered who was at fault, what the cause of turmoil was, and what would happen. But I never reached out, and my lack of action was selfish.

I’m not naive enough to think I could have singlehandedly saved your marriage, but I do believe I should’ve tried harder to be there for you.

I should’ve discouraged people from spreading rumors and encouraged them to seek truth from you, instead.

I should’ve offered a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

I should’ve carried your burdens with you.

I should’ve withheld judgment and offered support.

I should’ve prayerfully defended your marriage, fiercely and passionately.

Why?

Because I was at your wedding for a reason. You invited me because I held a place in your life and you wanted to share your joyful day with many people, including me.

I witnessed the vows. I took part in the community vow to do those very things I just mentioned, and then I didn’t do them.

I was a terrible friend.

Now, I see everything in a different light. I will not drift away from those whose weddings I attend.

I will reach out to them to check in. I will listen without judgment.

I will prayerfully defend their sacred covenant.

And if they allow me to, I will speak Truth into their lives and their marriages.

I’m sorry I didn’t do those things for you, and I’m sorry you ended up in a place where you felt divorce was the only option.

I want you to know that if I could go back, I would not be a terrible friend. I would be there for you, crying with you and fighting alongside you.

God used you to teach me a valuable lesson and I will never be the same.

 

Hello! I am a work-at-home mom to twin girls and a canine. I’m learning what life looks like when you surrender to God. Passionate about parenthood, marriage, and all things coffee!

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4 Replies to “To My Divorced Friends: I’m Sorry I Didn’t Come Through”

  1. Our small church started a year ago and this summer the first marriage took place. I will be sharing this with them because it is spot on.

    Too often we show up for the cake and then ignore the couple. Claiming that we are just minding our own business.

    Thank you for these words of wisdom.

    1. Thank you so much for saying that, Lily! I felt led to share that unique perspective as soon as the Lord put it on my heart. I’m thrilled to hear that it will positively affect more people!

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